That Lonely
by Raineey
Summary: After the death of a beloved friend Casey wonders, how did he get that lonely? Come on people, please please review!


Okay, so I thought I'd try my hand at song fics. I have read some really good ones, and I'm just not sure how this is going to turn out. However, you don't learn to improve unless you try, so here goes. Let me know what you think. Good or bad, I don't care. Just be honest, that's what is important.

Obviously I do not own Life with Derek. I also do not own the song, How do You get that Lonely. It was recorded by Blaine Larsen. I recommend going to YouTube and looking it up. It is a really great song with a really powerful message.

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Casey McDonald sat on the floor of her bedroom her back pressed hard against the wall as tears flowed down her red face. She had gotten the news last night and she still couldn't believe it. She couldn't believe that Sam was gone and wasn't coming back. She couldn't believe that he had made the choice to take his own life. She thought he was better than that. She didn't think he could walk away and leave the world hurting, missing him, without a second thought. But, apparently she had thought wrong.

_It was just another story printed on the second page underneath the Tigers football score, it said he was only eighteen a boy about my age, they found him face down on his bedroom floor. _

They had dated for a while but it just didn't work out. He was her step-brothers best friend and they had both quickly agreed that all they c could ever be was friends as well. It just hadn't felt right in the end. It had been a good relationship while it lasted, but it didn't last long. It was evident to both participants that things were headed South and while they held on as long as possible, it the end it wasn't right. That's how relationships had been for Casey since the move, good while they lasted but in the end it wasn't right. She didn't know why, and yet she knew exactly why. She knew that while she was perfectly happy to spend her weekends going on dates with whatever guy happened to be hers for that time period, she would not be happy until she was in the arms of her step-brother. Derek was the guy that made her heart warm and insides tingle. He was the one who she could argue with nonstop and never really lose her cool with. He frustrated her, irritated her, annoyed her, kept her on her toes, and had no clue that he was slowly killing her. And, yet even as much as she had been through in her short life she would never consider suicide. Why, why would anyone want to end their life? Why did Sam chose to end his?

_They'll be services on Friday at the Lawrence Funeral Home, then out on Mooresville Highway they'll lay him neath the stone._

She didn't know how she would get through the funeral and the burial. She didn't know how any of them would. Derek had been the one to find him. He had gone over to his house to practice hockey after school. She was with Emily at the mall. Derek had walked into his best friend's room only to be met with a blood covered body and a recently emptied gun. In a way she was glad Derek was the one that had found him. Derek could handle it. What if his mother had found him? Or Bailey, his six year old baby sister. Did he even think about things like that before he pulled the trigger? Did the though ever cross his mind that somebody he once loved would have to find him after he blew his brains out? She shuddered as she realized that right now, she hated Sam. Emily had been driving on the way home from the mall when they passed Sam's house. It was evident at first glance that something was very wrong. D Police cars and ambulances covered the driveway. A yellow caution tape was wound around the porch blocking off entrance into the once so familiar household. Camilla, Sam's mom, and Bailey stood with tears pouring out of their eyes beside Derek. One glance at Derek's face and she knew, she knew. She knew that something had happened there that would be remembered for the rest of their lives. She didn't know any details or exactly what had happened, but she knew that Sam was no longer with them. She slowly opened the door of the car and set one foot on the ground. She willed herself to walk towards Derek one foot after the other. She didn't really know what she was doing but it was as if she was on auto-pilot. Her body knew what had to be done and did it. She had walked over and touched Derek's shoulder. Tears were already flowing out of her eyes and when he turned she could see the tears that were building in his own. He had wrapped his arm around her waist and pulled her close. For so long she had only dreamed about that moment, but when it came it didn't seem so great. She had laid her head against his shoulder as she continued to sob. Seconds had turned to minutes, and as minutes began to turn to hours he had whispered, "Case, he's gone."

_How do you get that lonely? How do you hurt that bad? To make you make the call that having no life at all, is better than the life that you had. How do you feel so empty, you want to let it all go? How do you get that lonely, and nobody know._

She pressed herself farther into her bedroom wall silently willing the pain to go away. Slowly she whispered, "Sam, why did you do this? Why did you do this to our town? Why did you do this to your teammates? They looked so forward to getting the championship this year. You were going to help Derek bring it home for us. They won't have the strength to work for it now. You and Derek were the life of the team. We always knew that you would be right there, beside Derek's smirking face, and curly brown hair. You were his right hand man, his partner in crime, and his strength most of the time. He needed you, whether he admitted it or not. The school won't ever be the same. There is a picture of you hanging in the gym. We won't be able to look at it now without pain. Did you think about anybody but yourself? Did you even think of yourself? What about your family? What about your mom and Bailey? Do you think they wanted you to do this? Do you think that they will be able to continue living a life in this town after you so selfishly took your own life? You should have seen your mama last night tears pouring down her face because her baby boy had taken his own life? You knew how hard losing your daddy was on her? You knew, and you caused her to lose another? You knew that Bailey depended on you. You knew that you were her strength, the man of the house. When your daddy died I know it left a hole in all of your hearts. But, it hurt that baby girl. You were the one that pulled her through. You took her to get ice cream. You protected her. You did all those things with her that your daddy never got a chance to do with her. And, then you left her. It doesn't make sense to me. You are the only one that could ever explain to me, why? And you can't. Did it ever occur to you, you will be under a stone? A stone! I remember you telling me at your dads funeral how you hated those things. They signaled the end of life. I remember telling you they signaled a new beginning. Did you need a new beginning? Cause, we needed you here? Your life wasn't supposed to end like that. Are you with your daddy? Are you finally happy?" Casey sat there with these questions pouring out of her like the tears still flowing down her cheeks. She talked to only one person, only one person who had all the answers and could never share them. She heard her door creak open and looked up as Derek cautiously walked in. For once in her life she didn't scream at him or tell him to go away. She just looked calmly at the spot on the floor next to her silently begging him to come fill the spot. She wanted him to take away the pain, and make it all better again. So many words flew between them at that moment. Words that they had both wished to say for so many years, but neither one been brave enough to actually voice. So many words flew between them in that moment and yet neither soul made a sound.

_Did his girlfriend break up with him? Did he buy or steal that gun? Did he lose a fight with drugs or alcohol? Did his mom and daddy forget, to say I love you son? Did no one see the writing on the wall? Now I'm not blaming anybody we all do the best we can. I know hindsight's 20/20, but I still don't understand._

Softly Casey said, "Derek, I don't understand. Help me understand. How did we not know? Why didn't he give us a clue? Did he give us a clue? Were we not listening? I thought he was happy. I thought he enjoyed the life that he had. I thought he was coping with his daddy's death and getting excited for the future. He was going to have it all. He was going to get a hockey scholarship. Was he lonely? Why didn't he call us? I would have talked to him, he knew that. I would have listened to him until I made it all better? Did he plan this out? Was it all planned? Did he know that last Friday was the last time we would all go out in a group together? Did he know it was the last time you, me, him, and Emily would go out. Or, did something happen? Was it spur of a moment? Did he just see the gun and think about how miserable he was? What was going through that mind of his? Why didn't I know? Why couldn't I stop him? Do you think we had anything to do with it? He knew that I loved you although I was too scared to tell you that. He told me once he thought you felt the same. I told him I loved him, but I didn't really meant that. I mean I loved as a friend, but not like I loved you. Do you think that killed him? Do you think he really loved me and couldn't stand me loving you? Do you think I'm the reason he killed himself?" "Casey, I don't know why he killed himself. That's the million dollar question right now. I know that he loved you, and because he loved you he let you go. Sam even had a bet going about how long it was going to take us to get together. I don't think we were the reason for his death. I just wish I knew what was."

_How do you get that lonely? How do you hurt that bad? To make you make the call, that having no life at all. Is better than the life that you had. How do you feel so empty, you wanna let it all go? How do you get that lonely, and nobody know?_

"Derek, I don't know how to move on. How do we live again?"

"I don't know Case, I just don't know."

Casey heard Nora calling Derek from downstairs. She gently squeezed his hand as he got up and faked a smile. Sure he was smiling but she knew that his heart was just as broken as hers, if not more. He just didn't show it like she did. He was more masculine about it. Silent tears he shed, but never in public. He was hurting though. Sam had been his best friend since preschool. And, yesterday he had gone to Sam's house expecting a full-fledged bloody game of hockey like normal, but instead found his buddy's dead body in a blood covered room. Casey asked more questions because at the moment that was the only thing her body would let her do. She wondered and wondered and wondered, but received no answers. "Oh Sam. I wish I knew where you got that gun from. I don't know if it would help any. I mean, I couldn't change it. You did it, and what's done is done. But, at least I wouldn't have to wonder. The wondering is killing me. I know you couldn't have been on drugs or drinking. You wouldn't take that risk. You wouldn't leave the team. But, then again, you left the team. You ended your life. Did you lose a fight? I know your parents adored you. Did you know that? Did you try and tell me? That is the thing that hurts the most. Did you try and tell me? Did I ignore you? I don't understand. Why did you leave?''

Tomorrow would be the same, and the day after that. For all the days of her life she would wonder. She would wonder and ache. The same thought would linger in the back of her head as well as so many others every moment for the rest of their lives. "Could I have changed anything? Could I have saved him?" But not everyone was effected by this. It killed her to think that so many people had never gotten a chance to know Sam. For so many people….

_It was just another story printed on the second page, underneath the Tiger's football score._

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**Okay, so there it is. I am not really sure if I like how it turned out or not. I know it could have been a lot better, but I think I am okay with the way it turned out for only my second story, my first song fic. I tried to take into consideration the spacing and character speaking suggestions so many made for the last story. Please let me know how I did, and what you think about this one. I am aiming for ten reviews, and I would love if you would help make that happen.**

**Raineey**


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